Wednesday, 17th February, Arch One

Wednesday, 17th February, Arch One
It was an absolute cracker of a night at Arch1 last night with a host of very new acts utterly storming their sets. First up to the mic was the wonderful Dora Flowers. Dora gave the crowd some very useful tips on covering your ass in your internet search history. It was then over to Jack Short and his favourite free cheese and wine afternoon. Praise the Lord! After Jack was Richard Wright, an act from Tunbridge Wells where the kids are named after midrange hatchbacks. It was then over to Zach Marczika who became a vegan because he thought being American wasn’t enough to annoy the Brits. Becky Unsworth then confessed to having recently quit weed, alcohol and meat, but not masturbation…she gotta fill the extra time somehow. Matt Heath was after Becky with what has got to be the best idea for the new Bond movie. Hot on Matt’s heels was Alexis Roy, who longs for her youth and the days she could go jogging without taping her tits down with electrical tape. It was then over to Lucas Sparsi, a bit of a player with the ladies…both of them, apparently. Harry Pettitt was next, a man whose great influence was his grandfather, who taught him everything he knows about sounding completely incoherent. Closing the first half was the hilarious Greg Houston. Turns out Greg loves nothing more than a good slide and if he’s learned anything over the years it’s that canoeing is a rubbish idea for a date.
The evening’s second half kicked off with Kate Lois Elliott who thinks football and game of Thrones are kinds similar. It was then over to Jakob Tanner, the man Harry Potter would have become if he’d given up wizardry and got a job at Uniqlo. It was then over to Monica Chatterjee, whom at under five foot has to smell too many sweaty balls on the tube for her liking. Fergus O’Doherty was after Monica. Fergus is easily spotted wherever he is. He’s the guy who look like a family fridge. It was then over to Gemma Louisianna who wasn’t keen on dry January so next year is doing Soaking Wet January and just going to marinate in whiskey. Hugo Hayes was next with a tale of a most memorable 15th gig before Ben Pollard lead the crowd in a sing-a-long that we really should have sung along to. Next was Matthew Healy. He’s not sure what a guava is and thought a nectarine was just a shaved peach. Closing the show was the brilliant Su Mi. Asian for most of her life, Eastender by design, Su was also once a meat slut, but is now a born again vegetarian who falls in love way too easily on the tube.
So that was last night and a great show it turned out to be. Huge well done to all the new acts we had on. You lot were awesome!