We had a great night at The Star of Kings on Monday – starting with Sam Day, who loves to finish on a self-service till. Tony Carr asked who is giving Pure Cremations all those lovely reviews, before @jordanbonner told us why being gay and having ADHD will give you the same result: you’ll be (fashionably?) late. Next up was Rosie G, who says we don’t need sexual validation to make us happy – oh wait, that was her marshmallow-covered finger. Next, @georgelesson reassured the parents in the room – turns out having kids is just like having puppies…except the Mafioso dogs, who have to be put down. Marc Cohen then proffered his love for his wife, who has him banging his head against walls to burn calories – a rather strange diet. Josh Roach said how proud he is to live in Mum’s basement at his age – luckily the mum in question isn’t his. We then had Gav Webb who, as a London taxi driver, is just like David Beckham: lots of time in, out and around Victoria. Closing the first half was the fabulous Matthew Mj Hunter, who pointed out he was the second of our first half’s virgin-ginger-bookends. Though MJ disappoints rappers by grooving to their music and substituting the N word for ‘ginger’, he really knows how to bring it to a funeral – for his nan’s, he brought fire to the (cremation) booth.
Our second half kicked off with Declan Evans, who hails from Essex, where cards don’t have any of that happy birthday rubbish – it’s more congrats cards for winning one’s day in court. @baruchsolomon then rocked a cardie, which (he says) has seen many a lady’s boudoir, before Jenny Samuels shared that getting run over by a bike is just like getting chlamydia – you’re guaranteed trouble walking afterwards. Alex Taylor then asked the all-important question – if you had good sex, would you really write home about it – before Richard Stainbank (pictured) shared that being dyspraxic makes Tinder a bit of a minefield. Closing the show was the hilarious Jim Hooker, who made us all want to head to Romford, the land where tear tattoos look like kidney beans, the only thing you learn in school is sex ed and how your ‘bits’ aren’t nice, and where ankle tags don’t work.
So that was our night at the Star! Join us next Monday 7th July for G&B’s monthly New Act competition, where the acts compete for the cash prize, the paid guest spot, the lifetime’s BYOB pass (you never need a plus one again) and a place in the 2026 All Stars competition. Returning to do his guest spot we have last month’s winner, the brilliant Jonathan Bennett.